Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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