Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
