Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
