why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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