According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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