Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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