last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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