i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
