you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I looked at my own cervix.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
