i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
