I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
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Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
A+ Viking dick
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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