my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
