i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
