Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
