my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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