Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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