I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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