"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
