I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
