Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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