Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
