There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
