I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
