she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
