Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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