I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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