I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Someone signed my nipple.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
