sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
