watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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