i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
