ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
