i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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