her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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