Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Semen is not good for contacts.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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