i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
