there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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