I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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