You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Vodka?
Forever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
