U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
