SEEEEXXX PLEASE
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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