hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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