Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
