if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
