apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
well you can't waste a boner
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
