I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
