Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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