I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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