Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
