He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
