I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
