You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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