Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
