When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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