I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
