If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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