Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
