just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
