the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
