now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
