i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
